Overwhelmed

I've been a mess for two days. Every time I think I've got a hang of things or even remotely feel like I have control of my life, something ELSE happens. After feeling left out of so many plans, my sweet husband planned a birthday weekend away, just for ME. Everything started out awesome. We dropped off the kids, had a romantic dinner without anyone spilling, or singing or yelling. We had a hotel room all to ourselves. The whole evening was perfect and for the first time in two years, I really felt like ME. Saturday was supposed to be lounging, shopping, movies and a dinner on a little boat while floating the Snake river. Perfectly romantic, till I started throwing up. Of all the rotten, stupid, horrible timing!!! So we called it a day at 10 am and headed back to my in-laws where I spent the rest of the day throwing up and sleeping.

The following day was better but I guess I don't bounce back as well as I used to. I finally felt good enough to head down to the cemetery to decorate family graves. Including the one of my baby boy. Seven years later and I still cry every time I go. As hard as it was to lose him, this stupid foot thing is actually harder. I miss my baby, and always will, but I've come to grips with God's plan for our family. Without him, we never would have found and adopted our Jacob. This is the ONLY way I get to be mom to both these boys. I just need to be patient enough and make it to heaven to see my angel baby.

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This foot thing however, is kicking my butt. Maybe someday I'll be one of those people who can say, "This accident was the best thing that ever happened to me." But I can't see that anytime soon. 

Yesterday we left the kids with my wonderful Mother-in-Law not so that we could party, not so we could spend the day making up for my sick day, but so we could meet with our lawyers. I never dreamed I would need a lawyer for anything let alone have a long term relationship like we are developing with the lawyers we are working with. We are almost a year a half into the process and are just now getting serious about things like damages, pain and suffering, future medical treatment, psychological care, and juries. It is all overwhelming and terrifying. I know in my heart it is the right thing but that only helps a little bit. There isn't any other way to make this "right." Not that it will ever be right. I HATE that parts of my life are being assessed in "numbers." How can you put a number on having a surgery where your entire foot is reconstructed? or how much pain I was in when my foot was being smashed? or all the activities I love that I can no longer participate? To be honest, the thing that has really bothered me this weekend is that, when I'm out with my husband I can't walk and hold his hand at the same time. How can I calculate the "value" of that? It kills me to have to think this way so, I'm trying not to. I also can't handle thinking that I'm doing harm to anyone, even the doctor that did this. I don't handle confrontation well at all and in my mind, a court room is the epitome of confrontation. 

We rounded out the night last night by trying to finalize a bunch of major summer plans. The deeper we got into it, the worse I started to panic. Suddenly the summer was full of church camp outs, family hikes, and group outdoor games. All things that were my favorites and I now just get to be a spectator. I know that people aren't trying to leave me out, and it isn't fair to expect the world to stop having fun because I can't. It was just a final grain of sand that tipped the scale. After a mild melt down I was feeling a bit better. I've had a few spectacular meltdowns that would make a two year old proud. This wasn't one of them. I haven't felt real panic like that for quite a while but after a weekend like this, I think I'm entitled. I know I'll pull up my big girl pants and get it together. Pac-man (my husband) is out of town for training now and I have to be a responsible adult. Tomorrow, the sun will come up, I'll hug my beautiful kids, say my prayers and try again. 

Scars

I wrote this for my sister after her third brain surgery for a cancerous brain tumor. I had a decent collection of scars myself, but little did I know how many more were in store for me. I've also learned that people's scars aren't always visible and emotional battle wounds are just as bad, if not worse, than physical ones. Some scars are both physical and emotional. My C-section scar is a daily reminder of my baby boy that is waiting for me in heaven and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. It is proof of how very much I love him. EVERYONE has scars and we all deserved to be loved a little more because of them.

Stronger

Yesterday I got my second injection in my knee. We'll third if you count the cortisone shot. It is a medicine similar to Synvisc and is injected in a series of 5 shots. I haven't seen any improvement yet but I'm still hopeful. It actually hurts worse for a day or two after. Nothing like getting a six inch needle stuck into one of the most painful places on your body. My pain is getting harder to control the longer I'm on pain meds. I think my body is just getting too used to them. We've considered trying to change them but after the awful reactions I've had

, I'm not excited to try anything new. I've never been so dependent on medications before and I really don't like it, but my option is not walking. I'm trying to find a balance between using my legs as much as I can (which is healthier for my whole body) and finding a pain threshold that is tolerable. Not a fun choice to have to make.

Today I made a quick trip to Walmart all by myself!! I needed a bad to haul all my gym stuff. My other bag just went over my shoulder and I needed a pack that can strap on my chair and on my back without falling off when I'm using my crutches. It was a small victory for me to make it to through checkout all by myself! I know Walmart has chairs that are powered but I've only ever had to use them when I was just out of surgery and they are tainted by association. Also, Walmart is so big that if I really have to shop, I'm dying of agony if I don't have help. I've completely avoided the store for months now. But today, I did it!

I also made it to the gym. My knee doc has ordered 30-60 mins of cardio a week. That seems insane for someone who can't walk well but after we talked about my options, it seems more manageable. I can use my wheelchair, the hand cycle at the gym and swimming. I'll just have to rotate through them. He said for someone who has been as athletic as I have been, it's important to get that back as much as I can, not only for the physical benefits but also the emotional ones as well. It is a super lofty goal but I think it really is what I need to do. I've put off going to the gym again till I was "better."  He explained that going back would be a way to help me get to "better."

Walking in the doors was really emotional. I feel like I've conquered so many of my own demons there. I first joined the gym after our second son, Colin, passed away after he was born and I can say that I've honestly invested blood, sweat and tears into my workouts there. In fact, I had a secret dream to teach the women's weightlifting class there. Not so much the case now. Still, I was happy to realize how many of the exercises I could still do, even if modified. One of the trainers recognized me on the way out. Last I had seen him, he had torn his Achilles tendon so we had some common ground to chat about. After hearing my story, he offered a free personal training session to help me out how to modify my favorite exercises. I'm taking him up on it tomorrow! I think I can, I think I can....

Blue Days

The last month has been ridiculous hard. I've had some horrible reactions so some medications. I had no idea that a medicine could make you think that you hate your life, or that your family would be better off without you or make you feel like your chest is being crushed with anxiety and stress. I felt so sad, anxious and scared that I shut myself in my house for a month. I didn't return anyone's calls, neglected appointments, and hid from everyone. All of this was so the opposite of the way I normally feel, even considering our extreme circumstances. Still it took a long time to realize that what was happening was abnormal and even then, I couldn't quit the medication straight away and had to taper off. I'm so grateful for the amazing man that is my husband who loved me through it all, my wonderful patient friends, and my forgiving family. I'm also blessed with an awesome team of doctors. Finally, I'm feeling like myself again!! My wonderful family put together a "cheer up" package that actually made me cry when I got it. Ironic, I know but they were happy tears!

On a good note, track is over! Hiking around all the field events was killer. I didn't have my wheel chair yet so I had to do it on my crutches. Even if I had my chair, it is so hard to use on grass that it would have been almost obsolete without someone to push me. Still, I survived the season and my little track star did great!

PS I also finished my first mile in my chair yesterday. It is 10X harder than I thought it would be but I DID IT!! 

This is how I roll...

A photo summary of the last 22 months. Surgeries 1-5 In no particular order because that would take a really long time to organize them and I have too much to do. BEWARE: Contains blood, stitches and gore.