Hope

I'm not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't want to be seen as broken or injured.  I don't handle pity well. But I do need a little help. I'm naturally a bright, cheery, optimistic kind of person. But I'm struggling to stay that way with the heavy, heavy trials that our little family has had to endure lately.  I'm so grateful for friends and family that care for us and are genuinely concerned but every time someone looks at me and cries or a well meaning soul asks what happened to me, it cracks my somewhat fragile facade that protects me and my family.  I'm hoping that by putting this on "paper" it will be an easy place to update people with out having to open old (and new) wounds over and over again. Trust me, when there is good news, you'll hear me shouting it from the roof tops but to replay the bad news isn't healthy or healing. I'll give some background here to help people understand our history and where we are going. As this has been a long time in the making, it will probably take me a few posts to get through it all.

So What Happened To You Anyway...

This is a comment I get a lot now. Mostly I can just see it on people's faces when they see a young, relatively athletic woman in a constant variation of limping, crutches, canes and even a wheel chair. As a lifelong athlete, I have a build that is great at sports; not one that looks weak or feeble by any stretch of the imagination. I don't look unhealthy at all when I'm sitting or standing, it is just when I go to move that it is obvious that things aren't right.

The summer of 2012 I started getting pain in my right ankle when I would run. I ran, played sports or coached soccer 5-6 days a week and I had decided that we were going to run our first race, a 5K, as a family.  Long story short (I'll include more details later) I had an ankle reconstruction to repair damage from too many sprained ankles. After surgery I had a pain block in my leg and it took around 8 hours before I could feel anything. Once the pain block wore of the pain was horrendous. I've been through a natural child birth and have a relatively high pain tolerance but this was unreal. The doctor pretty much ignored me, the nurses said there wasn't anything they could do for me and after two days of uncontrolled pain, I basically had the morphine drip pulled out of my arm and was told to go home. Within hours of being home the pain became so severe I started shaking uncontrollably and became hysterical. Paxton (my husband) had to carry me out to the car and rush me back to the hospital. Eventually the splint was removed and it became evident the splint was so tight that as my foot swelled, my foot was smashed in the splint.  A large portion of the bottom of my foot was severely damaged.

Three surgeries later (two to attempt to repair the damage done by the splint and one just to remove hardware from my ankle) and my foot is a mess. The splint destroyed the fat pad on the ball of my foot that works as a shock absorber and keeps my bones from digging into the ground as I walk.  I have a knot of scar tissue the size of my thumb right where I roll onto the ball of my foot that bruises if I put much pressure on it. The nerves along the bottom of my foot were so damaged that they send false signals to my brain. Like an amputee who get's a ghost itch in a missing limb, my damaged nerves send signals to my brain that my foot is being smashed whenever I walk on it. The third surgery I had on my foot, broke three of the biggest bones in my and re-positioned them so that I distribute my weight onto healthier parts of my foot. However, to have so much work done on an already damaged foot created scar tissue that bound up more nerves. My fourth surgery was to remove the three plates and 12 pins from the surgery and cut a major nerve that ran through my big toe and was so bound in scar tissue that bending my toe felt like banging my funny bone. So on top of everything else, the entire top of my foot is numb now. Along with the nerve damage, parts of my foot have become hyper sensitive. Stubbing a toe on my left foot would likely produce a "Dang it" and some rubbing. Stubbing a toe on my right foot and I curl up in a ball and cry. We've pretty much reached a point where there isn't much I can do for my poor broken foot and when I use crutches or my wheel chair, it is mostly to help with the pain in this foot. Even though I know that there isn't anything actually "hurting" my foot, it doesn't make the pain any less real.

Another complication of having such a damaged foot is that compensating for it has taken a toll on the rest of my body. After my second surgery and after being in a walking boot/cast for almost six months, my left knee started to hurt. It was like my knee cap was grinding against my knee behind it. We lived in a house with all the bed rooms, laundry and showers were up stairs. It was not unusual for me to do the stairs 25-30 times in a day. Being fit, it wasn't a problem, until my foot didn't work right. For the next 12 months my foot was so overwhelming I just couldn't concentrate on my knee and I hoped if my foot was better, my knee would get better too. By the time I had my fourth foot surgery scheduled we knew I couldn't stay in a house with stairs or I'd risk ending up in a wheel chair. I resorted to crawling up and down the stairs when it became necessary but that was not a realistic long term solution. We moved to try to avoid knee surgery, but ended up there anyway. An MRI taken last Thanksgiving revealed a torn meniscus (which was badly torn but didn't really hurt) and cartilage damage to the back of my knee cap. The pain behind my knee cap made most of physical therapy impossible. We tired several different medication, supplements, exercises and a year of physical therapy without progress. In fact, it just kept getting worse. Surgery five was about four months ago. The surgery was more extensive than we were anticipating once the doctor saw the actual extent of the damage in my knee. Not to be too detailed but he said there was so much torn cartilage, it looked like crab meat. Now, my knee is worse than ever. There just isn't enough healthy material there to keep my knee working properly and it feels like I have a cheese grater on the back of my knee cap.

After a lot of prayers and late night conversations, my husband (Paxton) and I have decided to take at least a year to find a new normal. Between the major events I've mentioned, there are a million physically, mentally and emotionally taxing experiences. After all this, we need some time to heal and to feel human again.

To this end, I have started this blog. I know everyone means well in asking how we are doing, but to dwell on the negative right now isn't helping me. Instead, I want to pretend things are as normal as possible. I've appreciated all the kind thoughts, acts of service, and all 'round support from everyone!! I just need to keep my focus on hopeful, positive things. There are so many wonderful things to be grateful for. I'm married to one of the most wonderful men on the planet. My kids are kind, helpful and empathetic. I have amazing friends and supportive family (even from the other side of the country)! I have a beautiful home that I've been able to surround in bright flowers this week. My wheel chair comes this week and it is going to be so cute, everyone will want one! There is so much to look forward to, and so much to hope for! Thank you to all of you that can help me find hope in things to come.