Overwhelmed

I've been a mess for two days. Every time I think I've got a hang of things or even remotely feel like I have control of my life, something ELSE happens. After feeling left out of so many plans, my sweet husband planned a birthday weekend away, just for ME. Everything started out awesome. We dropped off the kids, had a romantic dinner without anyone spilling, or singing or yelling. We had a hotel room all to ourselves. The whole evening was perfect and for the first time in two years, I really felt like ME. Saturday was supposed to be lounging, shopping, movies and a dinner on a little boat while floating the Snake river. Perfectly romantic, till I started throwing up. Of all the rotten, stupid, horrible timing!!! So we called it a day at 10 am and headed back to my in-laws where I spent the rest of the day throwing up and sleeping.

The following day was better but I guess I don't bounce back as well as I used to. I finally felt good enough to head down to the cemetery to decorate family graves. Including the one of my baby boy. Seven years later and I still cry every time I go. As hard as it was to lose him, this stupid foot thing is actually harder. I miss my baby, and always will, but I've come to grips with God's plan for our family. Without him, we never would have found and adopted our Jacob. This is the ONLY way I get to be mom to both these boys. I just need to be patient enough and make it to heaven to see my angel baby.

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This foot thing however, is kicking my butt. Maybe someday I'll be one of those people who can say, "This accident was the best thing that ever happened to me." But I can't see that anytime soon. 

Yesterday we left the kids with my wonderful Mother-in-Law not so that we could party, not so we could spend the day making up for my sick day, but so we could meet with our lawyers. I never dreamed I would need a lawyer for anything let alone have a long term relationship like we are developing with the lawyers we are working with. We are almost a year a half into the process and are just now getting serious about things like damages, pain and suffering, future medical treatment, psychological care, and juries. It is all overwhelming and terrifying. I know in my heart it is the right thing but that only helps a little bit. There isn't any other way to make this "right." Not that it will ever be right. I HATE that parts of my life are being assessed in "numbers." How can you put a number on having a surgery where your entire foot is reconstructed? or how much pain I was in when my foot was being smashed? or all the activities I love that I can no longer participate? To be honest, the thing that has really bothered me this weekend is that, when I'm out with my husband I can't walk and hold his hand at the same time. How can I calculate the "value" of that? It kills me to have to think this way so, I'm trying not to. I also can't handle thinking that I'm doing harm to anyone, even the doctor that did this. I don't handle confrontation well at all and in my mind, a court room is the epitome of confrontation. 

We rounded out the night last night by trying to finalize a bunch of major summer plans. The deeper we got into it, the worse I started to panic. Suddenly the summer was full of church camp outs, family hikes, and group outdoor games. All things that were my favorites and I now just get to be a spectator. I know that people aren't trying to leave me out, and it isn't fair to expect the world to stop having fun because I can't. It was just a final grain of sand that tipped the scale. After a mild melt down I was feeling a bit better. I've had a few spectacular meltdowns that would make a two year old proud. This wasn't one of them. I haven't felt real panic like that for quite a while but after a weekend like this, I think I'm entitled. I know I'll pull up my big girl pants and get it together. Pac-man (my husband) is out of town for training now and I have to be a responsible adult. Tomorrow, the sun will come up, I'll hug my beautiful kids, say my prayers and try again.